Tonight, I saw a quote that made me stop and think... "But God, wouldn't I be more useful to you if I were healthy?" I think I have been asking this question indirectly for a while now. Lately I am just so tired... tired of being in pain, tired of being tired, I am just spent mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have been fighting for almost five years now, but it feels like ten...

Before the pain, I had a plan you know... I was going to finish high school then go to school for a year, go on a mission, then come home and go back to school. Now my plan is to.... that's just it, it's difficult to plan for a life that is all encompassed with chronic pain. Why wasn't my plan good enough? Wasn't it a righteous plan? I was willing and wanting to give up eighteen months of my life to go and serve the Lord wouldn't that be of use to Him?

I never thought that I would be here instead living a life of waiting... waiting on medications to kick in or build up in my system, waiting for exhalation to come so that I can go to sleep, waiting to see a doctor just to hear that there is nothing that he can do for me, waiting for the pain to stop...

I have slowly let what was once a life that felt like my own slowly drift to a life that feels like its anything but my own. I can't go for a run anymore, not that I ever really went for a run but I can't run anymore because it makes the pain so much worse. I struggle to do day to day things because by the end of the week I have done too much and my body starts to shut down. I have never felt so useless and lazy in my life. Life becomes what the pain decides it will become and it becomes a life of fighting because it wasn't given the option to fly.

So why does God think I am better off this way? I don't know for sure, but I think that it is because each day that I get up I am fighting. I am fighting to say that I do have some control over my life, I am fighting how easy it would be to become bitter and blame God rather than become better and allow Him to help me through it. Some days I win and some days I lose, but I keep trying and I keep fighting.

Looking back over the last several years I can see that I have been more useful in this broken and unhealthy life. Without this pain, I would not be strong. This pain has allowed me to know the love of God, to be filled with it, and to know that I am not alone. I know that had I not experienced chronic pain I would not have faith in God, His plan of Salvation, and in His Son's Atonement. God is real and, Jesus Christ is His Only Begotten Son who came to this earth and died so that we can return to Heavenly Father again. He became the Savior of mankind by atoning for our sins. Through His Atonement, He felt our pains, afflictions, and sorrows. He knows what I am going through and He knows how to help me overcome it. All I need to do is look for His hand. I have not been left to go through life alone.

This fight has also taught me that some days require more faith than others and that some days it's ok that all I have done is eaten enough food to keep down the pain medications. Some days I need to call a friend for a pep talk and some days I need to give my body all the sleep it needs. I have learned that I don't have to win every fight.

Chronic pain has its own set of rules and the only way you learn them is by experiencing it firsthand. Each day is a new one, each day is a reminder that I have overcome 100% of my worst days, and each day I have a choice... I can become bitter or I can put a smile on my painful face and fight like hell.  Somedays I am bitter, but most days, hopefully, I fight because what else can I do. Being bitter doesn't change the situation and it only makes those around me suffer along with me. Just because I am in pain does not mean that I need to drag everyone down with me. Heavenly Father is always sending tender mercies, but am I being tender enough to notice them? As I forget about myself and try to do what He would have me to, my load becomes lighter and my fight becomes easier.

I did not think that at 20 I would be where I am today, but I am stronger for it! The Lord loves me and had a plan for my life, but I need to surrender my will and ask for His. He never said it would be easy, but He did promise to help me. As I come unto Christ and put on His yoke my burden will be made light and I will make it through to see Him one day. His yoke does not take away the pain, but He increases my strength and He gives me blessings in the forms of family, friends, work, service, sunshine, dogs, and most of all happiness. I may not be grateful for the pain, but I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me, people it has brought into my life, and the eternal perspective it gives.

The Lord will find a use for each of us, even if we are unhealthy. The use maybe to save ourselves....